In Which I Begin Blogging
Welcome, weary traveler, to my blog! Fill your empty belly with trash, warm your frostbitten toes by the digital yule log, lay down your weapons, and - wait, you brought weapons? What the fuck? I don’t care how weary you are, bro, you need to leave those with the front desk clerk. She’ll hold onto them for you until check-out. And check-out is at 9 AM. Write that down.
Now, at this point you’re probably wondering: “A blog? Lewis, you started a blog? But...you spend 95% of your workday scouring the internet for blogs that you can hate-read and then complain about to anyone who will listen! Blogs...they boil your blood to unhealthy temperatures! Lewis, blogs are probably solely responsible for a five-year reduction in your lifespan!” And that’s true! All of that is true. And you’re certainly justified in wondering what I’m doing here. The thing is, I couldn’t really tell you. As best I can tell, I just want to write something that isn’t about babies, that isn’t a vague guide to achieving self-actualization or finding nirvana (the state of mind, not the band - I can tell you pretty easily how to find information on the band), and that isn’t packaged with a desperate plea for your comments or money.
So those are some of my promises to you. I will never mention babies. Period. I will straight up pretend like they do not exist at all. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure they do exist at all - I haven't seen a baby in at least a few days, have you? I also do not give the foggiest shit whether you comment on my posts. Please, ignore them. Finally, I will not offer to send you a weekly customized email newsletter roadmap pointing the way to greater job satisfaction, nor will I show up at your workplace and sit you on my lap and bounce you up and down and tell you how to impress your boss or become a less sad middle manager. Because, frankly, I don’t care about those things.
Instead, the first thing I’m going to do on this blog -- this being my triumphant second lead-off attempt at christening the streaky toilet bowl of blogdom (I tried this once back in the MySpace days and actually used that same toilet bowl phrase, but that post is Gone Baby, Gone) -- is write about Chick-fil-A. That’s easy. I love Chick-fil-A. It’s delicious, it’s affordable, it’s nearby, it’s run by a stodgy hate-monger (the best superheroes have flaws), and it just so happens that I relentlessly visit it for lunch. Unfortunately, I’m in something of a rut. I’ve been ordering the same thing, with insignificantly minor variations, for centuries (I’m very old), and it’s time to mix things up a little. So my mission, should I choose to accept it (I choose to accept it), is to order every single thing on the Chick-fil-A menu and to then report on my findings. I’m going to base my reports, which will each consist of one reasonably-sized “meal” of my choosing, on an evaluation of several tasty parameters, and I’m also going to provide heavily filtered pictures of what I’m eating. Maybe I’ll even cram my food through a different filter each time and then also review that filter and talk about how it makes me feel emotionally, because fuck it.
So that’s it. Welcome to the blog. I’m going to try and post once a week or so, but I make no guarantees, so Jesus man, take it easy. My early posts are likely going to be very Chick-fil-A-centric, but I reserve the right to expand to different topics if I feel like it, barring those that I’ve specifically embargoed above. Because it’s my blog.